So, Wes is sick. His CT came back normal, which is wonderful. His doctors were checking for a brain bleed, which didn’t happen, so that’s a relief. However, he continues to have headaches, which his doctors attribute to swelling in his brain caused by the chemo making the tumor “angry”. He’s also starting throwing up and not eating at all. Thus far today, he has eaten half of a yogurt, and thrown that up. How fun. The poor little duffer just has no appetite, and adding nausea to the mix isn’t helping.

I initially began this blog to inform those who care for Wes on what is going on with his treatment. I wasn’t going to get personal, but I’m overwhelmed, and want to get it out, so here goes:

I HATE that my son doesn’t live with me. Especially now. When Cody and I separated, Wes initially came with me, but when he went to Cody’s for Thanksgiving, he decided he wanted to stay there. I have a sneaking suspicion this was because he was afraid to start at a new, bigger school, and have to start over making friends, etc. I can understand that-he’s 14 years old, and social structure is important. Now that we’re dealing with cancer again, it is even more brutal to not have my son with me. I want to be the one drawing him a bath and making sure his meds are given on time and appropriately. I want to be meeting with the home health nurse and making sure he’s eating and resting as he should. It is so painful to not be able to take care of my boy during this time. Perhaps that selfish, but so be it. Since I work and Cody doesn’t, there is that benefit to having a parent home with him, I guess. It doesn’t make it any easier for me, though. Not being able to hold him when he doesn’t feel well and stroke his hair (while he still has it) and comfort him is really, really difficult. I’m grateful I have so many other things in my life to keep me busy, and I also hate that I do as well. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions, and I’m not enjoying any of them, really. I miss my boy. My heart is pulled to him. I need to take care of him. I have to go without fulfilling that need. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it really sucks!

I’m hopeful that Cody will be able to get on top of the nausea and get Wes to eat a little more today. I taught Cody about the BRAT diet, and how that could possibly help Wes to feel better. I hope it does. I’ll check back in with them later today and see how he’s doing. Poor guy. He’s a tough nut, though; when I spoke with him earlier today and asked how he was, his response was, “I’m okay.” That’s my boy. What a stud.